my internal state is making itself known via an externalization into physical ailments.
i’m exhausted. my throat has been hurting since sunday. it was starting to get better but then i chain smoked for that little video experiment and now i really feel like shit (i cut that part out of the video: i get into the tub as wiggy unapologetically lights her second or third cigarette. oh the joys of sharing a body with someone too glamorous to give a fuck). and now the conjunctivitis of my brain has manifested itself in the leaking of my right eye. if i hadn’t been expecting it, i would have been scared to wake up unable to open my eyes.
what the fuck?
i’ve gone through everyone’s comments from the beginning of the year again, trying to glean what encouragement and inspiration i can from them.
i don’t know why i feel so stuck. i know i’m on to something. i guess it’s the commitment to one project means i can’t do all the projects i want to. talking to noel earlier this quarter was so exciting and i all of a sudden wanted to make my spectacular props, wham bam thank you ma’am, and then i guess i decided i hated custom electronics too much to actually want to do that (and also, the whole choreographing of a performance utilizing them was a little off-putting). i am still very much into this idea of the press conference. but i want it to be live and choreographed and full of wiggy impersonators and a ruckus. and i want to really do the scandal i’m dreaming of, because it is potentially worthy of a press conference if i do it right. and maybe i can incorporate electronics into that. but really the problem is moving forward on any one of these ideas discards all of the other potential projects and i don’t want to give up any of my babies or have them in an order but rather explode them all out at the same time. and i KNOW that’s not going to work.
so here i am, sitting at watertown with a shriveled eye, too tired to feel sorry for myself.
